You sit down, your food arrives and you're hungry. But instead of digging in, you wait. Everyone else at the table is still empty-handed, and starting to eat feels wrong — even if no one else seems to care.
This common scenario was the focus of a new study published in Appetite. Researchers found that people are far more concerned about appearing impolite than their dining companions are about the timing. In short, we’re waiting to be polite, not because anyone told us to.
The research, led by teams from Bayes Business School, St George’s at the University of London and the Tilburg School of Economics and Management, involved six experiments. In one, participants imagined dining with a friend. Some were told they received their food first. Others imagined watching their friend be served. When asked whether to wait or eat, those with food said they should wait. Those without food said they wouldn’t mind if their friend started eating.
“Norm adherence dictates that we wait until all food is served before starting, and disregarding it feels rude and discourteous to us,” said Professor Janina Steinmetz, one of the lead authors. “Surprisingly, this feeling barely changes even when another person explicitly asks us to go ahead.”
Even when participants were told their dining partner was fine with them eating, most still hesitated. According to the researchers, it comes down to how much access we have to our own emotions.
“We can feel our own internal discomfort, guilt and the positive feelings from appearing considerate, but we can't fully access what others are experiencing internally,” said Professor Irene Scopelliti. “So while we might feel genuinely awful about eating before others get their food, we assume others won't feel as strongly about it.”
The researchers suggest restaurants and hosts can reduce this discomfort by serving everyone at once whenever possible. And for diners, the message is simple: if your food arrives first, it’s probably fine to start. You may feel awkward, but your fellow diners likely won’t mind.
The study was funded by City, University of London.